walnut-bunny:

instructor144:

A PM from a Follower, abstracted in the interests of privacy …

“I’m a relatively new Dom, and my sub is a very new submissive. This morning instead of my expected ‘Good morning, Daddy!’ greeting, I got ‘Good morning.’ That’s it. I asked her what was wrong and she answered ‘I’m just not in the mood today. I just don’t want to.’ What the heck do I do with that?”

I had a very similar experience long ago, in a galaxy far, far away. It went a little something like this …

“Good morning.”

“Excuse me? Care to try that again, using the proper protocol this time?”

“I’m just not feeling it this morning.”

“I see.”

As a point of reference, “I see” in my lexicon is shorthand for “You are so close to being fired right now, so I strongly suggest you pay attention to what I’m about to say.”

The conversation was brief and sharp. The point was made. The lesson was learned. It did not happen again. The lesson is one that submissives and Dominants would do well to learn. The lesson is this:

You don’t get to submit – or dominate – only when you’re in the mood.

D/s done right is hard work. There’s an initial “honeymoon period” (in my experience, roughly 4-5 months) when everything is shiny and new. The submissive is smitten and cock-struck. The Dominant is equally smitten and cunt-struck. But once that honeymoon period passes, this stuff is damned hard work, and it’s damned hard work every single day. And you have to bring your best game, your unwavering focus, and your commitment to and belief in the relationship every goddam day. Vanilla couples can have a bad day, where they aren’t fully engaged and invested in the relationship. Some have bad months, years, decades. They shuffle along, detached but staying together. D/s couples don’t have this luxury; the structured relationship and the high stakes don’t allow it.

Submissives: you are going to have days when your submission feels like a burden. You’re going to have days when it’s a struggle just to hang on to minimum compliance with rules and protocols. You’re going to have days when you hate the restrictions and demands. You are going to have days when yes, you are even going to hate your Dom.

Dominants: you are going to have days when you wake up and think “I can’t handle this responsibility for another human being today.” You’re going to have days when your submissive is in a recalcitrant mood and you re going to feel the overwhelming temptation to just say “Fuck it, do what you want.” You’re going to have days when you loosen your grip on the leash, not because you think it’s helpful for her (it never is), but because you just can’t work up the motivation to hold the leash taut.

Here’s the deal, folks. These feelings are normal. They happen in every D/s relationship. Many D/s couples will internalize and choke down those feelings. The best will be open about it, maybe give their partner a heads up that they’re going to be struggling today. They may even act out, or act up. But here’s the money shot: you get in there and you do it anyway. You dig deeper than you’d ever have to do in even the most intense vanilla relationship, you find that core of your being, you hold tight to that person who means the world to you, and you handle your business.

There is no other way.

Uh, no. No. A thousand times no.

This goes against literally every building block of a D/s relationship (and a relationship in general). Mutual consent, primarily – but also respect, kindness, and love.

Obviously this violates the consent of whichever party says that they “can’t do it today”. By saying that, they have stated that they are not consenting to play today – and that is perfectly acceptable. Both the submissive and the dominant have the right to say “y’know what, I’d just rather not play today – let’s just cuddle and watch a movie/tv show/play a game/do whatever”. It’s part of the inherent contract in all but the most extreme D/s relationships – in which case this sort of thing would be play, and we wouldn’t be having this conversation. You’re literally forcing them to play against their will in this case – if it turns sexual, that’s sexual abuse. Now, obviously, if you can talk them into it without resorting to threats (such as ending the relationship), that’s acceptable – but otherwise, you’re abusing your partner.

It violates respect as well – whichever partner is trying to force the other to play obviously doesn’t respect the partner at all. This is a clear sign that the other party needs to hightail it out of there, because a relationship without respect will spiral even further into abusive territory – if it hasn’t already.

Kindness may not seem like a building block of a D/s relationship, especially some of the more masochistic ones, but I guarantee you it is. It ties in heavily with love – you wouldn’t be doing this if your partner didn’t like it, or if you didn’t like it, or if you or your partner didn’t love each other.

Honestly, it seems to me that the OP treats D/s relationships (and relationships in general) as a chore that must be done, rather than as an act of love and something you do for fun – which is supported by this: “I see” in my lexicon is shorthand for “You are so close to being fired right now, so I strongly suggest you pay attention to what I’m about to say.”. It’s really hard for me to believe that someone could possibly view a relationship that way if they truly loved their partner – which leads me to the conclusion that whatever relationship OP is/was in is more or less a FWB situation that they’ve corrupted into a full-on D/s relationship without a majority of the building blocks required to even have a vanilla relationship. Such a relationship is all but destined to fail, and is guaranteed to make one or both parties miserable in the end.

Some will argue that there are types of D/s relationships that have a 24/7/365 dynamic going on, where the dominant is in control all the time, and I do agree that certain aspects of D/s can remain in effect even while one or both parties isn’t particularly feeling it, but the tone and content of the OP suggests that they’re not willing to stop at protocol, even when the submissive isn’t feeling it.

I think the point I’m trying to make is this: if you think that a D/s relationship exists solely for the pleasure and benefit of the dominant(s), you’re wrong – you’re so wrong that you’d be less wrong if you said that grass is pink. Not only that, but it’s an absolutely shitty way to treat anything that involves another human being – or any other living thing, for that matter. Unless the submissive has agreed to it knowing that they wouldn’t enjoy it, if they’re not enjoying some aspect of the relationship, you need to get rid of that aspect of the relationship. In D/s relationships, the submissive has all the power, because submission is given – not taken, not earned, and certainly not a right.

Well I will say that different couples consent to different things and different dynamics. Don’t presume to get in the way of how other people have set up their D/s dynamic. Sounds like that original dom needs to set up his dynamic a little better. That when a sub is not willing to submit that day she uses a safeword. If she’s saying it to be bratty, then he needs to put her in line.

I know that when my boy says “I’m not up for this” he wants me to exert my dominance and say “you’re gonna do it anyways. It’s what I want.” And if he had said “we can’t do this today, yellow,” I know that means that we need to stop and talk.

Furthermore, he KNOWS me. He trusts me. He knows that if/when I push him and he’s not up for it, I’m gonna do things that he’s capable of that day. There are days he has a headache or is sick and of course I’m not gonna push him to do things he’s not capable of.

It’s about trust. Safe. Sane. Consensual. If you set it up properly, days like that won’t happen.