It’s not a “theory.” It is the truth of the thing. The submissive holds all the power, because they can stop anything and everything with a word. One word.
A PM from a Follower, abstracted in the interests of privacy …
“I’m a relatively new Dom, and my sub is a very new submissive. This morning instead of my expected ‘Good morning, Daddy!’ greeting, I got ‘Good morning.’ That’s it. I asked her what was wrong and she answered ‘I’m just not in the mood today. I just don’t want to.’ What the heck do I do with that?”
I had a very similar experience long ago, in a galaxy far, far away. It went a little something like this …
“Good morning.”
“Excuse me? Care to try that again, using the proper protocol this time?”
“I’m just not feeling it this morning.”
“I see.”
As a point of reference, “I see” in my lexicon is shorthand for “You are so close to being fired right now, so I strongly suggest you pay attention to what I’m about to say.”
The conversation was brief and sharp. The point was made. The lesson was learned. It did not happen again. The lesson is one that submissives and Dominants would do well to learn. The lesson is this:
You don’t get to submit – or dominate – only when you’re in the mood.
D/s done right is hard work. There’s an initial “honeymoon period” (in my experience, roughly 4-5 months) when everything is shiny and new. The submissive is smitten and cock-struck. The Dominant is equally smitten and cunt-struck. But once that honeymoon period passes, this stuff is damned hard work, and it’s damned hard work every single day. And you have to bring your best game, your unwavering focus, and your commitment to and belief in the relationship every goddam day. Vanilla couples can have a bad day, where they aren’t fully engaged and invested in the relationship. Some have bad months, years, decades. They shuffle along, detached but staying together. D/s couples don’t have this luxury; the structured relationship and the high stakes don’t allow it.
Submissives: you are going to have days when your submission feels like a burden. You’re going to have days when it’s a struggle just to hang on to minimum compliance with rules and protocols. You’re going to have days when you hate the restrictions and demands. You are going to have days when yes, you are even going to hate your Dom.
Dominants: you are going to have days when you wake up and think “I can’t handle this responsibility for another human being today.” You’re going to have days when your submissive is in a recalcitrant mood and you re going to feel the overwhelming temptation to just say “Fuck it, do what you want.” You’re going to have days when you loosen your grip on the leash, not because you think it’s helpful for her (it never is), but because you just can’t work up the motivation to hold the leash taut.
Here’s the deal, folks. These feelings are normal. They happen in every D/s relationship. Many D/s couples will internalize and choke down those feelings. The best will be open about it, maybe give their partner a heads up that they’re going to be struggling today. They may even act out, or act up. But here’s the money shot: you get in there and you do it anyway. You dig deeper than you’d ever have to do in even the most intense vanilla relationship, you find that core of your being, you hold tight to that person who means the world to you, and you handle your business.
There is no other way.
Uh, no. No. A thousand times no.
This goes against literally every building block of a D/s relationship (and a relationship in general). Mutual consent, primarily – but also respect, kindness, and love.
Obviously this violates the consent of whichever party says that they “can’t do it today”. By saying that, they have stated that they are not consenting to play today – and that is perfectly acceptable. Both the submissive and the dominant have the right to say “y’know what, I’d just rather not play today – let’s just cuddle and watch a movie/tv show/play a game/do whatever”. It’s part of the inherent contract in all but the most extreme D/s relationships – in which case this sort of thing would be play, and we wouldn’t be having this conversation. You’re literally forcing them to play against their will in this case – if it turns sexual, that’s sexual abuse. Now, obviously, if you can talk them into it without resorting to threats (such as ending the relationship), that’s acceptable – but otherwise, you’re abusing your partner.
It violates respect as well – whichever partner is trying to force the other to play obviously doesn’t respect the partner at all. This is a clear sign that the other party needs to hightail it out of there, because a relationship without respect will spiral even further into abusive territory – if it hasn’t already.
Kindness may not seem like a building block of a D/s relationship, especially some of the more masochistic ones, but I guarantee you it is. It ties in heavily with love – you wouldn’t be doing this if your partner didn’t like it, or if you didn’t like it, or if you or your partner didn’t love each other.
Honestly, it seems to me that the OP treats D/s relationships (and relationships in general) as a chore that must be done, rather than as an act of love and something you do for fun – which is supported by this: “I see” in my lexicon is shorthand for “You are so close to being fired right now, so I strongly suggest you pay attention to what I’m about to say.”. It’s really hard for me to believe that someone could possibly view a relationship that way if they truly loved their partner – which leads me to the conclusion that whatever relationship OP is/was in is more or less a FWB situation that they’ve corrupted into a full-on D/s relationship without a majority of the building blocks required to even have a vanilla relationship. Such a relationship is all but destined to fail, and is guaranteed to make one or both parties miserable in the end.
Some will argue that there are types of D/s relationships that have a 24/7/365 dynamic going on, where the dominant is in control all the time, and I do agree that certain aspects of D/s can remain in effect even while one or both parties isn’t particularly feeling it, but the tone and content of the OP suggests that they’re not willing to stop at protocol, even when the submissive isn’t feeling it.
I think the point I’m trying to make is this: if you think that a D/s relationship exists solely for the pleasure and benefit of the dominant(s), you’re wrong – you’re so wrong that you’d be less wrong if you said that grass is pink. Not only that, but it’s an absolutely shitty way to treat anything that involves another human being – or any other living thing, for that matter. Unless the submissive has agreed to it knowing that they wouldn’t enjoy it, if they’re not enjoying some aspect of the relationship, you need to get rid of that aspect of the relationship. In D/s relationships, the submissive has all the power, because submission is given – not taken, not earned, and certainly not a right.
Well I will say that different couples consent to different things and different dynamics. Don’t presume to get in the way of how other people have set up their D/s dynamic. Sounds like that original dom needs to set up his dynamic a little better. That when a sub is not willing to submit that day she uses a safeword. If she’s saying it to be bratty, then he needs to put her in line.
I know that when my boy says “I’m not up for this” he wants me to exert my dominance and say “you’re gonna do it anyways. It’s what I want.” And if he had said “we can’t do this today, yellow,” I know that means that we need to stop and talk.
Furthermore, he KNOWS me. He trusts me. He knows that if/when I push him and he’s not up for it, I’m gonna do things that he’s capable of that day. There are days he has a headache or is sick and of course I’m not gonna push him to do things he’s not capable of.
It’s about trust. Safe. Sane. Consensual. If you set it up properly, days like that won’t happen.
Gentle reminder that..
D/s is not about sex. it’s literally about dominance, the act of having power or control and of submission, the act of giving up power or control up.
D/s can include sex, but it doesn’t need to.
You can be in a D/S relationship as an asexual.
You can be in a D/s relationship and never have intercourse.
Dominance and submission have a wide wide wide range of acts, and sexual intercourse of any sort is just one part of it.
I have to be honest. I agree. If you’ve never had sex, you shouldn’t be messing with kink. Having sex for the first time is such a nerve wracking and momentous occasion. How can you have any idea of what you truly want, if you’ve not experienced anything? Sex is about learning your body, as well as your mind. Plenty of people like the idea of being roughly handled, but until you’ve experienced it, you can’t say. Personally, I would never play with a virgin in a kink setting. If you are a virgin, go and have sex for a bit (with the right person and someone worthy), and learn, and grow. It should be organic. Then if you want to include kink, that should grow slowly anyway. No one goes from being a virgin to a BDSM slave overnight. 🖤
Send asks….
I literally thought I was asexual until I discovered GFD. So I disagree. Sex is experienced by everyone differently, and you need to spend some time figuring out what you want. I say, if you don’t want your first time to be vanilla, it doesn’t have to be. But also, TAKE THE TIME to get to know your partners and DISCUSS DISCUSS DISCUSS what your wants, needs and expectations are. Your first time can be d/s but you would need to have a thorough talk about kink, desires and always LIMITS.
Also you need a safeword. It can be stoplight system or a word but always always always have a safeword.
The only thing that needs fixing is your attitude, you self-absorbed, unsupportive fuck.
Oh good fucking god. This is a joke right? Nobody is reallyactuallytruly this level of dumbass fuck stupidcruelinhumane, surely.
Dear Anon
Please hand your sub in at the nearest Submissive Safe Returns Kiosk and accept your replacement honey badger. It will help you get over that rather nasty case of “shitheadalitis” that you seem to be suffering from.
Unless this is actually a joke – in which case please just fuck off.
But here is an advise that you didn’t ask for- Don’t expect her to become something because that’s what YOU want. The base of any strong relationship is accepting each other for who they are and becoming eachother’s strength, be it vanilla or FLR.
She is who she is. Accept it. If you are trying to make her be something YOU want then it’s you who is controlling the relationship, not her. Which is quite contradictory to what FLR is.
I can’t MAKE anyone like me. You can’t either. No one can. People are who they are, in their personality, character and attitude towards everything.
No one can change anyone to be a dominant or a submissive that way. Dominants or submissives are not made, it is who you are.
Your D type has watched too much stupid porn. When you are truly, genuinely close, they need to back off, have you breathe and cool down a bit .. and then start in on you again. Fucking amateur.
The art of orgasm control, yes it is an art, isn’t really captured in Tumblr Porn. In real life it takes learning AND practice on both sides.
Even before we knew the terms orgasm control or D/s, He was learning/teaching. It was patient, sweet, and incredibly intimate.
I was young and had only begun to explore all the wonders of my own body. He started so simply. “I want you to hold off cumming but get as close as you can. I have a plan.” He had me ride him so I could control the movement, depth, speed. He just watched, encouraged, asked questions, gave directions all while telling me how incredible I was.
And when I’d get close, He had me just stop and place my palms against his. Then, He just talked to me. He’d ask me about a motion I liked, an expression on my face, or a gasp. He’d regale me with how sexy and erotic I was. He was learning my body and me. He was guiding me to learn, to experience my own pleasure.
And with a little consistent practice, we got to the place where he said “This time, when I tell you to cum, I want you to keep your eyes open. I want you to look at me. I want to watch every second. I want to follow you wherever it is you go when you cum like that. I want you to take me with you.”
He must of had me on that edge 4 or 5 times before He told me to cum. It was mind boggling. Wave after wave of intensity washing through me. I kept my eyes open according to Him. But all I saw was a soft grey after a few seconds.
After that, He knew he had the power to unlock all the secrets of my body, whether I wanted to give them up or not.
Sure, now it’s easy for Him to turn me into a quivering, sopping, begging mess. But that’s because He took the time to learn and to teach.
Yah, I know. Not exactly the flamming hot Domly Dom/subby bdsm fantasy all over Tumblr. But it’s how it worked for us. 💖
…does not mean you know them. You know what they choose to share about themselves. Don’t make assumptions.
…does not mean you have the right to be familiar with them. You’ve not been introduced. No coffee has been shared. Don’t tell them what you want to do with them. You don’t share intimacy with strangers without their consent.
…does not mean you get to make demands of them. They owe you nothing. And no – not even if you’re the dommiest dom that ever dommed. You’re not their dom punk.
It was a sub. I wasn’t actively telling them what to do/automatically making the first move, and they just… asked it. “You sure you’re dominant?” It took me aback.
Yes, I am dominant.
But I’m also shy, and full of doubt. How do I know the other person really wants this? What if they want to back out? How can I order someone around – I don’t even really want to just tell someone to “sit down, shut up, and jerk off,” you know? That’s not my style. That’s not me.
I am vulnerable. I need the sub to make themself more appealing than retreating into my shyness is. I need to be tempted into dominance. I need to have the sub want me enough that I can’t doubt it. I need them to know I don’t want a sub who remains silent – I want active participation, I want them talking and talking and talking. I want a partner, a friend, before I want a sub.
Yes, I’m sure I’m dominant. But I’m not sure I’m the dominant for you.
👏👏 this is me
More Dominents should read this i think
I’m going to disagree on this. I aimed this at submissives. I’m glad doms can relate, but I’m tired of the viewpoint that subs can/should/are supposed to lay back and let the dom do all the work. That’s not how I operate. It’s not sexy to me. I thrive off of back-and-forth communication of fantasies turned into actual practice, not “this is what we’re going to do because I said so.”
Yeah, I totally saw this as communication with subs, to be honest. And I totally agree with the viewpoint that dominants shouldn’t be doing everything. Like, as a sub, thinking about a partner? Let me pleasure you, allow me to initiate! Let me kiss you softly and sweetly, let me show you enough passion that it coaxes out the domme inside you, making you want until you -take-. That’s fucking hot!
I feel at my most dominant when he is at his most submissive. In the end, we feed off each other’s energy. You really need both parts to have a mind-blowing experience. It’s very yin and yang.
Granted, it makes it hard sometimes to START the proceedings, because it’s a chicken and the egg situation. Do I need to be dominant first? Does he need to be submissive? It usually begins a little awkwardly until we get the ball rolling!
Absolutely this. It is power exchange, and the people who are the most attractive are the ones who give me something to work with. Who actively offer themselves–not demand or do with now an expectation. Offer.
I have a sub who actively practices what he calls subduction. Trying to develop the skills to coyly seduce dominance out of me. Worse comes to worse, I just appreciate my pretty object and he feels actively submissive in making himself mindful on being pleasing to me.
Be active in your submission friends.
+100 for active bottoms. As has been said, power exchange is a two way street. Don’t demand or expect that someone should act a certain way towards you. Or always initiate play. It’s a two sided game.
I’m working on offering myself more. Though I try to do what I can and make sure that we’re both having fun and getting our needs fulfilled.
Each side offers what they can, and like @dommestic said above, each side feeds on the energy, offerings, and reactions of the other.
Subduction is now one of my favourite portmanteaus. And I’m a FAN of portmanteaus.
Yes for subduction. That’s a skill I want to be good at.
Question for the dominants though: are there times when subduction would feel unwanted? I’m always nervous about thrusting my submissiveness at people who don’t want or aren’t feeling it. How do I know you’re not in the mood? How do I know if you would appreciate subduction rather than just feeling pressured by it?
This isn’t a D/s question at all, in my opinion. Dominants don’t magically know if someone is into something – hence why I rarely initiate, unless I know the person well. This is a “knowing your audience” question. Gauging whether or not someone is in the mood for it just depends on how well you know them. If you don’t know them, it’s guesswork or just straight-out asking. Neither of those are particularly good ideas though.
Yeah I agree it’s not exclusive to D/s. But if dominants don’t magically know what people are into subs are the same. And unfortunately when we’re in the female dominant male submissive world, male subs often end up making female dominants feel like they are just looking for a fetish dispenser. That’s the last thing I want to do, so I really am cautious about initiating too.
I would disagree that just straight out asking is a bad idea. The more direct, open, and blunt communicating the better. I guess it would just be nice to know my partner would clearly tell me if I try subduction and they’re not in the mood, and not feel pressured.
I don’t like the word “sub”. Aren’t we all both: dominat and submissive – depending on the situation? It’s thrilling when both sexes love to be both…
No. Some people just ARE dominant. Their personality. Who they are. It’s dominant. Some are submissive by nature. It’s who they are as beings, as people.
Sometimes people are merely kinky. They want to have kinky sex and not determine a dom or a sub. That’s okay too.
Some people switch. Sometimes they feel dominant. Sometimes they feel submissive. They vary based on time and circumstance and mood.
It’s A L L V A L I D. Please don’t dismiss an emotion or state of being just becuase it differs from your own.
So I get these every so often. And it doesn’t offend me nor do I feel insulted or upset. I want to take the time to answer your question so you can hopefully understand and learn.
It bothers me that you would put yourself in this situation. Just because I write words that you like and say things that are occasionally funny, doesn’t give you any insight as to who I am or whether I’d be what you want. You don’t know me. You don’t know anything about me. I could be 75 years old. I could be morbidly obese. I could be unemployed living in my parents’ basement. All of these things are possible.
But worse, I could be a criminal. I could be moonlighting here as a woman. I could be dangerous or deviant and put you in harm’s way. You don’t know any of this.
And I don’t know anything about you. What are you like? What do you want? What’s your history and your past and what are you looking for? All I know is your alleged age (reminder: please be at least 18 to read this blog) and some bland measurements. I need to know a lot more about someone to give them my time. And you should require the same. More so even.
Don’t go around the Internet sending careless messages like this. You know why? Because the wrong person is going to take you up on it. And I don’t want that to happen to you. There are many great people to meet. Take the time and do the work to find one. Learn from your experiences about what you like and don’t like. Talk to people, learn about them. Understand them and more importantly, make sure they understand you.
You matter. You are important and special and you need to make decisions that reflect that. Don’t be careless with your body or your mind. Find someone worthy of you. Because you is pretty fucking awesome. Stop sending anon messages asking if someone would meet you. That’s not how you’re going to find someone who you like and who cares for you. All you’re going to find on that path is the potential for trouble. Do better. You’re better than that.
Teaseland 