@instructor144 just answered an anon about getting online to meet fellow kinky people. I just reblogged it, and it inspired me to do my first little bit of writing on here.
I got into kink through Tumblr, and my curiosity led me to take the plunge onto FetLife. After a few weeks, I started talking to/vetting a potential Dom (who I will refer to as PD), and learned a lot from it. In fact we are still talking, and I am still learning.
The main lesson I’ve learned from this process has been that you should always have control over your own safety when talking to someone online. You should also always have the freedom to make your own choices in regards to what you share with this person, as well as have the ability to confirm that this person is who they say they are.
There are a few rules I have in place for myself that are non-negotiable. They are there to keep me safe.
1. Never be afraid to ignore and delete messages. This goes for blocking people, too. If a “Dom” sends me a message where he is immediately ordering me around, starts right off the bat with a pet name, or if his profile is full of dick pics, I ignore him.
2. Always confirm their identity, ESPECIALLY before giving them any personal information. Don’t be afraid to do some serious internet sleuthing. Ask them for something that provides undeniable evidence that they are who they say they are. I actually had PD send me a picture of his ID from work. Will you feel creepy for doing this? Probably. But a real Dom and a considerate human being will be more than accommodating and understanding. Keep in mind that they may want the same kind of proof from you.
**PD actually recommends setting up a separate email, or WhatsApp or a similar app if you’d rather text. This allows you to communicate off of Fetlife(etc.) without giving away your personal contact info to someone who you may not be sure of yet.
3. Meet in public first. Kinky fuckery is fun, but going right over to someone’s home or inviting them into yours leads to a huge chance of trouble. Meet for a traditionally vanilla date. Seeing someone in person can really help you get a feel for them and what intentions they may have. If you’re long-distance like PD and I am, Skype. It’s not as good a in-person, but it is an effective way to get some facetime, so to speak. And of course, when you do meet up, even after Skyping, it should still be in public.
**PD brought up waiting to start bondage, and has emphasized it a lot. Don’t go to an internet friend’s house and let them tie you up and render you helpless. That’s not kinky fun, that’s just a recipe for disaster. Wait until you really really REALLY trust someone before you put yourself in a position where they are in control of your safety.
4. Say “no”. If a potential Dom asks you for nudes or tries to push you to offer any sort of submission before you’re ready, say no. These are also signs of a fake Dom, and you should probably end things. Never be afraid to stick up for yourself. PD always says, “I will never ask you for pictures. You should offer them as a gift.”
5. Establish a support base. Meet other subs and establish a connection with them. The world of kink is a small one, and chances are if someone seems fishy, they already have a reputation. Having kinky friends to confer with can bring some much-needed information and peace-of-mind!
6. Always keep learning. Educate yourself on what a good Dom looks like – How does he act? What are his philosophies of BDSM and power exchange? – and learn to find the flowers among the weeds. Never stop learning, either!
I refer to Doms with male pronouns because that is my experience, but this of course applies to you no matter what gender you are, and no matter which side of the D/s slash you are on. PD has been incredibly wonderful in helping me learn how to keep myself safe, as well as learn about BDSM (and more specifically, D/s), and I feel extremely lucky that we found each other and clicked the way we did.
Teaseland 